Don’t let the silence do the talking

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Today was a weird day.

I have grown incredibly attached (emotionally I guess) to someone lately. That was very unexpected for me. The guy has a boyfriend. We are friends. It was safe for me to grow fond of him because there wasn’t much at risk, or so I thought. I was kind of aware that we have been pretty inseparable and to date we have not had a fall out. A few disagreements – yes but a very symbiotic dynamic which gives full licence to both to pull the other up when he is misbehaving or making less than ideal choices. Until today…

He was pissed off with his boyfriend (rightly or wrongly) it isn’t my business nor my place to get involved. But it was incredibly uncomfortable for me to spend time in their company when my friend was giving his boyfriend the silent treatment. I had a bout of the giggles. Not because I thought it was funny or was belittling their situation but because I was nervous, anxious and uncomfortable.

I was suddenly reminded and almost transported back to my younger days and particularly my teens being subjected to my parent’s quite toxic and often vicious, damaging and destructive behaviour towards one another.

I pulled my usual ‘fixer’ moves of trying to cajole my friend into a brighter more jovial mood while it was just him and I and before his boyfriend returned to join us for dinner. Trying to make light of the tension and pandering to my friend’s mood. Hey! We’ve all been there! When we just want to make a retaliation of some sort to ease our rage. But my friend went on the proper silent treatment! Literally being asked a question and blanking the enquiring party.

I cannot tell you how utterly, cripplingly, uncomfortable this makes me. I then got caught in the crossfire of a scenario that was totally of my own creation but that I quite honestly did not see as an action that would cause offence or grievance. I borrowed my friend’s phone as my battery had died and I couldn’t be arsed to boot up the laptop. I took a selfie (for a reason) and tweeted it to me from his Twitter. No big deal right? Wrong!

When dinner had ended (I left the table early as the pregnant silences were far too laden in tension for me to bear) I went to the living room to DM said friend on Twitter to ask him if me doing his ironing would cheer him up and snap him out of his mood. Only to find myself blocked from his Twitter and unfriended on Facebook.

It literally felt like a punch in the stomach. An instant dull ache hit me in a really deep part of my gut. I was so confused. It later transpired (after a very heavy handed and unwarranted warning against sending further unauthorised tweets from his phone) that if I did that again I would be permanently blocked. Now usually most of you would expect me to fly into trademark ‘Greg Rage’ and tell him about himself. But instead I was so embarrassed and more so hurt that he would behave like that towards me that I just sat there and took the dressing down and looked at him hoping that he wouldn’t see the flash of red that was now burning my cheeks.

I am totally sure none of this was his intention and knowing that this upset me in this way will probably upset him too. But it made me think. Really think about the cycle of hurt we sometimes get caught up in and how previous emotional scars re-open to bleed even years later.

I spent 7 years with a partner who was irrationally angry and moody far too often and for prolonged periods. Most of these feelings he would direct at me, sometimes directly which wasn’t pleasant but more often passively. This guy (as much as I still love him) had the ability to lower the mood of our whole home without saying a word or without even being in the same room as me. He just had a way of hitting me where it hurt. It wasn’t nice and it broke me a lot more than I realised at the time. My friend’s actions and behaviour today (although nowhere near on the same level or with the same intentions) pulled me right back to that place in my life. I could almost physically feel my past and long since shelved pain and distress again and it freaked me out.

I’m guessing he behaved this way because of something from his past that has informed him to act this way. So I’m not judging him or criticising him. Merely observing that for whatever the reasons from both of our past experiences – today wasn’t a good day.

I am aware and reflective and open enough to notice these things in myself and question them but not everyone is. I was definitely in flight or fight mode as a result of today’s events. Instead I chose neither and opted for silence and avoiding eye contact or further interaction while my emotions settled. That is unusual for me. I’m glad that is what I opted for but the reason I wrote this and the thought that crystalised was this…

What if in these situation we did choose to fight or fly? What further damage does that create and how much does that compound the existing issues and give rise to a cluster of future issues until you have an emotional minefield of issues and triggers to navigate.

The answer and the solution seems quite simple to me. Just to sit down and talk, quietly and graciously. And while I say the solution seems quite simple, I mean that…in so far as the thought…the concept…now putting that into practice is a whole lot harder and takes some balls and some skills and also the knowledge that you are loved and supported and afforded the compassion to be allowed to say you’re pissed off about something or that perhaps you fucked up. That requires trust, kindness and bravery from all parties. Sometimes those things aren’t on offer or aren’t felt enough from and by each other.

I’m sure tomorrow will be a brighter day and I am glad I have somewhere to put my thoughts in order via these posts. That is also something that I find hugely beneficial and productive. Having to think about situations and my feelings in a little more detail in order to structure a decent sentence and blog piece allows me to tidy up my mind (and my heart). I recommend it.

x Continue reading “Don’t let the silence do the talking”

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Order PrEP t-shirts

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I have created this post with links to buy our PrEP t-shirts in the interim to our shop feature launching on the new iwantPrEPnow which will be live in the next few weeks.

Very straight forward system.

Step 1:  Select the style you would like (the only colour available is black).

Select the size you would like and send those details to this email address iwantprepnow.co.uk@gmail.com

Include your postal address and the name that appears on the PayPal account you will be using.

Step 2: Click here to be directed to our donate button where you can make your payment.

I have kept the pricing really simple.

  • £20 per t-shirt
  • £25 per item on t-shirt dresses (women style option 3 and 4)
  • Plus £2 P&P (UK) or £5 outside UK

 

All options (only available in black)

 

Mens/unisex

 

Style ref: Men 1 

Size: S/M/L/XL/XXL

Price £20

basic boy

Fabric weight: 190 gsm

Material: 100% ringspun semi-combed cotton.

Fitted cut. Taped back neck. Ribbed collar. Twin needle stitching. Unbranded size label at neckline.

Style ref: Men 2 (in black)

Size: S/M/L/XL/XXL

Price £20

mv

Fabric weight: 150 gsm
Material: 100% ringspun semi-combed cotton.

Taped back neck. Tubular knit. Rib neckline and armholes. Twin needle stitching.

Womens

 

Style ref: Women 1 (in black)

Size: XS/S/M/L/XL/XXL

Price £20

w1

Fabric weight: 165 gsm
Material: 96% cotton/4% elastane single jersey.*

Stretch fabric for a modern fit. Enzyme wash. Soft feel. Single jersey. Longer length. Soft stretchy ribbed collar. Twin needle stitching.

Style ref: Women 2

Size: S/M/L/XL

Price £20

w2

Fabric weight: 145 gsm
Material: 100% combed ringspun cotton.*

  • Relaxed fit.
  • Longer body length.
  • Side seams.
  • Twin needle hem.

Style ref: Women 3

Size: S/M/L/XL

Price £25

w3

Fabric weight: 110 gsm
Material: 100% ringspun cotton

  • Taped back neck
  • Self fabric wide neckline
  • Kimono sleeves
  • Longer body length
  • Twin needle sleeves and hem

Style ref: Women 4

Size: S/M/L/XL

Price £25

w4

Fabric weight: 180 gsm
Material: 100% cotton.

  • Single jersey
  • Scoop neck
  • Cover stitched sleeves and hem

 

I will place the print run with the printers once I have 20 orders. Delivery time (to you) approx 3-4 weeks.

Greg

Protest of the Protest at Pride London

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Ok. I am not going to wade into this whole situation and involve myself in an ongoing back and forth as I am too busy actually working on a cohesive, focused and productive project for the provision of PrEP in the UK.

I will however make this statement and my opinion and position on this situation very clear!

I cannot support and will not condone this planned protest against Pride London.

I am so sick and tired of seeing sloppy protests for the sake of protest with no actual results. I question all of this. The intentions behind it, the drive to do it and the benefits (if any) to anyone.

This kind of ‘activism’ reminds me of puppies. You leave them alone in the house while you go to work and you come home to find they have shit all over the place. And they just sit there in the shit and mess and look at you. But that is puppies and they are cute and eventually they grow out of it.

Now that is not to say I am against protests. Far from it. But protests with a bit of focus and that get results.

When I see people ‘support’ or ‘protest’ a million causes I just shake my head! To me it just smacks of a lack of sincerity, a lack of authenticity, a lack of genuineness, a lack of personal identity, a lack of awareness and most of all a lack of focus.

And then I wonder why? Why are you doing this? I am looking on and just seeing these kinds of people pop up at this and that and post pictures of ‘look at me doing this’ or ‘look at me doing that’ – I am not fucking interested in YOU. You don’t need to try so hard!

I would much rather see your work and the results.

Let those speak for themselves. Get out of the way. YOU are not the important part of the equation. That is called ego. It is self-serving and self-indulgent and in fact it is the height of hypocrisy! Something you should be against.

As for protests. YES. Let’s protest like mad! I support protesting. I support it when it is needed. For example, for the jungle in Calais. Against neo-Nazi fascists. Calling out NHS England over PrEP. I use these 3 examples for a reason, if you physically can’t be in a place where people need our help or our actions then we should do all we can and protest here and where ever else we can and there in those places if we can get there. If you are faced with a group who want to literally kill you or an organisation that refuses to interact with you – you need to fucking protest.

You need to challenge this.

But your own community? For London Pride? Really? You think that is the right thing to do? An attack on a community event? YOUR community? That you are a part of? That you belong to? Is it not a much more positive thing to work with community members and leaders to actively create something that we are all proud of – together?

It is so ill thought out. And arrogant. And narrow minded.

Recently, I have been labelled an activist.

I hated the label! I rallied against it until I got tired asking to be called something else. I don’t identify as an activist because a handful of visible ‘activists’ give activism a bad image. I’m bored of it now.

 Let me just point out though that although I now accept that I am in fact an activist, do you know how I arrived here? What my first steps into involving myself with my community were?

Surprise, surprise as a volunteer/host for Pride in London!

If you are so fucking clueless that you can’t see that attacking Pride is cutting you off from the future and from those that are either just discovering our community or re-connecting with it then you need to wake up!

Our community has struggled enough of late with vanishing venues and a diminished sense of the ‘need’ for a community. Are you seriously going to try to attack the biggest gay day of the year here in the UK? Oh yes of course you are…because that is the best way for YOU to get some attention and further your own self-obsessed agenda!

Listen, I don’t disagree with a lot of the issues you have with ‘what Pride is today’. The corporate pink washing etc. But tackle those things not Pride. Organise your own event to address these. Or is it easier for you just to hijack other people’s events and momentum?

I can’t make myself any clearer. You need to take a fucking seat. Or here’s an idea…why don’t you FOCUS on what you are meant to stand for and what we desperately need now which is a strong, well organised HIV/AIDS activism group to tackle pharma and drug access, healthcare inequalities or heaven forbid focus some of that fucking energy on PrEP! On that you have been VERY lacking!

If this sounds harsh or confrontational then good! It is meant to be. We can ALL protest when something pisses us off so much that staying silent is no longer an option. I have just arrived at that point with YOU. Consider this the start of the protest against the protest. And prepare yourself. You haven’t seen me fight yet. If you want to experience that then carry on. But I’ll give you a tip. You are going to need to up your fucking game!

Don’t bother with the social media circus either. I’m not interested in it. I’ve said my piece and now I am fucking off out of this pathetic, petty, attention seeking stunt. Hopefully you’ll see a bit of sense or take a reality check at least!

With love and quite a lot of anger…

Greg Continue reading “Protest of the Protest at Pride London”

YOU ARE GLASS

Spoken word piece by Greg Owen ‘performed’ at Let’s Talk About Gay Sex And Drugs on Thursday 12th May 2016

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YOU ARE GLASS

 

When first we met, I saw you but I looked right through

You were just there

Standing still

Strong

But a little wrong

I walked past you many times

Until one day

Something I could not feel – pushed me from behind

I saw you right up close. So close  – I only saw the flaws – the bubbles from the blow

I could only see as much of you

As the frame of my own view

But when I backed right off, then I began to notice

Notice the rest of you

Stepped away until I saw the all of you

We never touched

Did not connect

I dared not rest my hand upon the pane

Did not leave the mark of the moisture from the softness of my finger tips

Which were now softer – warmer – wetter than I had ever known before

Now I’m seeing you, not seeing through

The glass is suddenly brand new

I turned my back then turned it back

Now it was not you that I could see

But me

My reflection

There was a  flash

I could only see the light

My eyes began to burn

It was so bright

But I could not turn

And I would not fight

The light began to dim

Refocus my eyes on him

Now all I could see was us

Not a 2 – but a me in you

No force from behind

Shared pull from the front

I approached again

This time I put my tips upon you – so cold

Instinctively contracted back

The composition again – was new

I see the tiny printed dots – my fingers had left on you

I didn’t like the mess –  didn’t like I’d left a mark

So came to you again – to fix the messy smudge

I watched myself grow larger in your reflection until my mouth aligned with the mess

I blew – the intention – hit you

We  clouded up

Gray, steam and heat

I could not see the mess  or us

The heat cooled, retracted in

I watched it shrink and fade and disappear

It all became quite clear

There was – the mess

There was – that part of you

There was…my reflection

And in it all lay us – a possible perfection

It started to look pretty

So I put my fingers on your surface yet again

Saw them leave their mark

It was becoming art

But our creation got too brave – too fast – a little stark

One more reckless swipe

I caught a chip –

Sting

Bleed

Drip

Drip

Fuck!

Trip

Now trip

Fell through

Straight through you

You smashed – I crashed

Right down to the floor

With pieces of you embedded into my flesh

I panicked- what had I done?

Scrambled on my knees

To try to pull all those sparkling shards of you back into one place

I clawed too hard and my fingers bled –

Now part of me streams over the broken pieces of you

Everything was raw and everything was red

I had to stop

I crawled away and slumped

To where I first saw myself in you

But you were no longer there

You were lying bloody on the floor

There was an us no more

Parts of you embedded in my flesh – part of me streaming over the broken pieces of you

YOU ARE GLASS

*I wrote this piece for David Stuart. Thank you for being brilliant! x

Continue reading “YOU ARE GLASS”