OMG – Drink problem

 

fuck

Am I actually doing this? I have very little shame. Am I an alcoholic?….I think not…do I have a problem with drink…..YES. Please don’t make it so hard for me to love myself….. It’s quite cuntish. Im out here on my own… You are making it so much harder for me.. please be kind. If you refuse then I will find my fight again…. I WILL COME FOR YOU

There is a difference. But you know what has triggered my latest binge of drink and moping… The most unexpected thing… I freaked out at being loved. Like actually freaked the fuck out. I suffered love before…I am still torn apart by the fact that my ex-fiance refuses to speak to me. HE HATES ME. I can’t understand why. It has killed me for the last 3 years. I hate that he hates me. How can love turn and fester and sting so hard in the aftermath of its hay day?

I’m becoming tired of baring my soul. I’m sure that very soon I will stop. Do you know how it feels to feel constantly attacked for just wanting to encourage a situation where people are not attacked???? For just being allowed to be themselves… I’m not perfect but I was brought up well enough (as the oldest of 6 kids) to learn to accept a lot of difference. I can only see the world as I see my brothers and my sister… THEY ARE ALL PERFECT LITTLE FREAKS! They are all perfect and unique and I will fight tooth and nail for their freedom to exist as the amazing and fabulous little shit heads that they are…….

People you are wearing me down… but you are informing us that we need to fight on….

I hate you for stealing my joy….. I love you for making me question myself… on this I KNOW I AM NOT WRONG

Advertisements

Love Love Love

meme

I’m in love. I’m in love with many things. The renewed and vibrant community that has suddenly sprung up right before my eyes. And the lovely dalliances with  some of my heroes that I recently learned were actually just PEOPLE too. I will not hide that I am talking about David Stuart and Sheena McCormack and Pat Cash, on Pat what a blinder to have a buddy who inspires you from his truth and raw innocence all tainted with naughtiness… WATCH OUT FOR PAT.

I fell in love very recently. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to. He has a boyfriend. They live together and they seem happy. It’s an open situation with them. And I celebrate everyone’s own definition of themselves and their love. I honestly really do. But with this situation I had a problem. If I were in an open relationship (FYI – Don’t think I could be….I have insecurity and worth and anxiety issues. I’m not strong enough for that)

 

If I were in an open relationship I think I would be cool with my boyfriend fucking other people. But what I wouldn’t be cool with is my boyfriend developing an emotional attachment and investment in another person. I would be uncomfortable with that. But that is what has happened. We fell asleep on the sofa – this is about heart not cock.

 

I have fallen in love with Pablo. And Pablo isn’t even his real name. I made a choice to hide him from the craziness that is my life right now.

But I fell and I fell hard and why????? I’ll tell you…

 

My heart was wrapped up and hidden away as damaged goods…to be rolled out in a cheap sale…..But then he came along and made my heart dance. Continue reading “Love Love Love”