I have spent the last 2 days moping around home drinking wine and beer and crying! And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why? And what caused this?
So I drank a little more and I dug a little deeper.
It’s quite clear to me now.
Last week after Let’s Talk About Gay Sex And Drugs I actually ended up graduating from talking and re-entering the realm of let’s DO gay sex and drugs and so a 5 day bender on Meph and G and a little T ensued.
This might not seem life changing to most of you – nor so did it seem life changing to me at the time…far from it – I was reverting to old tricks, not learning new ones.
On the surface maybe…emotionally though – I underestimated this little revisit to the land of trash.
I have to say I loved, revelled in and love love loved going back there. I truly missed it. But all was not as it seemed.
It is impossible to go back to what you were.
You may put the same clothes on (or off as the case may be) and you may use the same apps and you may front the same swag. But it’s a fools dream to chase a former version of yourself.
During this 5 day bender this theory was not on the scale – not a consideration but in the days and weeks after it really was a huge thing for me.
I don’t regret it – not at all. I had a blast. I learned also that GBL and my HIV meds are volatile friends – I went under or very fucking squiffy far too many times. Very out of character for my former HIV negative self. But this is where the chasm opened up…
When I found out I was HIV positive I had a huge life flip! None of it was planned and none of it was structured to incorporate head time or adjustment time for me. Instead what happened was – I became positive and I went on a mission, I became this new very highly visible, very vocal, very passionate, very fucking productive (might I add) version of myself. And that was great.
But what I didn’t realise was that I had left little old, frightened, confused and shocked HIV negative me out there on the sidelines in the cold. Wondering silently why no one came to play anymore. I totally dismissed that person and charged on with this new souped up, empowered version of me.
That was a bit cruel to my former self. But it was cool because we were getting shit done and we were winning and we were still feeling HIV negtative because we had now become “the UK’s leading PrEP activist”
And then big balls ‘HIV facebook famous’ me went back to my old stomping ground of hook up apps and chemsex parties and tried to fit back in again.
Hardly surprising that this was impossible. A combination of my own anxiety and other people’s awareness of me left me merrily soaking up the attention online with no actual intention of ever meeting anyone. Until M… See a copy and paste about him from my facebook below …
“Last week I met a guy…from his pics and a few messages I was instantly smitten. But I could see in his pics and sense from his messages that he had just been through something. Something painful and deep. I tend to have a natural intuition for these things. And when most people would identify this situation as one to avoid – I am the opposite…I’m driven to know, to ask, to find out. So I went to meet up with him…via a breakdown in communication due to a language barrier and me mistakenly presuming he’d lost interest. I’d actually given up on him and gone off for a shag with some other guy who inadvertently invited this guy to join us – completely by chance and coincidence. That’s another story but I made my excuses and politely left the ‘shags’ place to go and meet ‘M’ (we’ll call him M for this story). M had stated that due to the awkward situation around us not meeting up then almost meeting up for a 3some that he wasn’t interested in sex with me right now, that I could come over but he knew himself and was adamant that he wouldn’t want sex. For me the sex wasn’t really important, there was something about this guy that was magnetic for me. So I got dressed and arrived at M’s place. It was FROSTY. But I was there for a reason…I wanted to be there. I didn’t know why – I just wanted to. We got talking and the ‘what do you do?’ question came up…I mentioned PrEP and the site…he typed the URL in his ipad, it bounced up, he recognised it and so we got chatting about HIV prevention. Turns out he’s HIV positive too and had a bit of a rough time with his meds. Now, because I hadn’t gone there for sex I had the chance to just lie on his bed and listen to him. That’s pretty rare in that situation. But I lay there and listened and was just blown away by his heart, his passion and his scars. I tried my fucking hardest not to cry and I almost styled it out but I was strangely and very unexpectedly overwhelmed with emotion for and towards this guy. I think I did pretty well but I’m sure at least 1 or 2 tears fell. I don’t know if he noticed but he finished his story and came and rested his head on my chest and just needed to be held. It was kind of one of the most beautiful moments I’ve had in a long time. These moments don’t happen often. What I wasn’t expecting was the 4 hours of totally mind blowing amazing sex that followed…I don’t think I have had sex like that in 4 years – definitely not since I split from my fiance. I don’t know for sure but I’m certain this amazing sex came because I was fucking with an actual person who had stirred my soul who had interacted with me emotionally before he did sexually. I have so much more to say on the encounter but I’ll keep it for part 2! lol BTW – just for the record…. FUCKING AMAZING SEX”
By going back to my former ways I reverted back to my former self – almost. If I didn’t revert, at the very least I revisited and this is where the drama happened.
I went back to playing a cartoon charade of me and that was cool. There were chems, there was banter – I could have been Jessica Rabbit…but the week after this happened those 2 versions of myself had to sit down together at a table in my head or my heart – or both and just square things with each other.
That was painful for both parties.
The new me felt he’d failed the old me especially by fucking up his HIV status. But the old me was thrilled for the new me and didn’t want to hold him back but acknowledged that he was hurt that he got dumped so soon and that he would miss the new me but he wished him well and the old me’s parting sentiment was that he would always be there for me – he gets it and knows we’ve moved on…he wanted to remind me of one thing though – just don’t become an asshole.
So old me and new me are cool with each other now. It was a shitty few weeks and I wasn’t sure if we’d ever all be on the same page again. But we learned our lessons….no doubt there are a few more to learn along the way.
There you go….